not so much to say

i dont really have a post…just some randumb (thanks tracey) thoughts thats been floating through my brain….

1. is there like a sign im wearing….i have had so many guys flirting with me this week…
2. dont tell me you love your kids…and your actions show otherwise
3. why is it you can love someone…and he can love you…and timing NEVER be right?
4. i was happy when you were leaving….I liked how it felt when I was by myself…so im enjoying me
5. If one more of my appliances break down, I am gonna believe someone is sabotaging me…
6. everytime my baby cries cause of you…i dislike you a little more
7. my kids say the funniest stuff…daily
8. Turn your frown upside down…and annoy the ish outta whoever is pissing you off!
9. not sure marriage is something I ever want to do again.
10. prom is over…graduation next….2 down…7 to go…LOL

Trying to find my smile

Another trying day….I am sure this will be par for the course for a while. Thanks to all my friends and family who have called or txted or imed.  I don’t know what I would do with out yall. Thanks for sitting through the random bursts of tears. I will get it together.

I spent yesterday thinking on my part in breakdown of our marriage. There are things I could have done  differently. Mistakes I made….circumstances where had I made another choice we might not be where we are today…..From talking with my folks one thing I would never do again is move into a house with ties to me. Living in this house that my mother owns and for all intents and purposes is mine made it MINE. Not ours, I can honestly say I never told him or even intimated that I held it over it his head….he felt like I did.

I am still angry…and it still hurts but I have cut off contact for me. I need time to smooth away the sharp edges ….a glass of pineapple rum and sunny d mango helps! Day by day..I get through. Now I am playing my theme song…Destiny’s Child Survivor

Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
but I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
but I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
now I'm wiser
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
but I'm smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
but I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without ya,
sold 9 million
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
(what)
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

thats what that is!

Gonna take this blog personal

I need a place to vent and deal with the mess my marriage and life have become. I need a place to put my thoughts so I can sort through and see what things are worth keeping…and which are worth tossing.

Every thing aint for every body and I know that folks may not want to hear or share this journey with me.

This shit is hard. I know him leaving was for the best…and truth is I am happy without him here. But 7 years doesn’t just disappear overnight. It hurts like hell that he moved out and on in ONE day. ONE DAY…..really? It confirms that he had already removed himself emotionally from this family.

I am in a place I do not want to be…I am so hurt and ANGRY. I want to scream, kick, cuss, fight someone…mostly him. We could have had so much together.  I know our time together was not wasted as we have three beautiful children together. But it just makes me so MAD that it means so little to him.

I am working on me…gonna be a better me….gonna do better and have better. I am tired of walking around stressed out. Tired of being angry all the time…tired of snapping at the kids, yelling about everything….what happened to my smile. I realized I hardly ever smile any more. And truly I have so much to smile about. I have 9 beautiful, intelligent, wonderful children. Their presence lights up my life. I have great family and friends who have rallied around me at this low point in my life. I have my health (mostly) and I have enough financial stability that I have all the things we need and a lot of things we want. I am truly blessed and should wake up with a smile on my face!I am thankful for all my blessings but I realize it doesn’t show on my face. So today I will put on a smile on my face and show the joy in my heart!

Im a blog neglecter!

anyone else remember the commercials for Wheel of Fortune with someone singing I'm a wheel watcher...ah well I have tons of useless bits of knowledge stuck in my head.

Some of the reason I have been such a bad blogger is that I have been SCRAPPING!YAY...Its been so long since I actually had mojo to scrap.

Find more photos like this on Totally RawKin Designs

 

Part of the reason is of course the fabulous ADSR5. This is my third race and it always get my scrapping mojo going...what I find so funny is that so many of my layouts this time feature pink prominently...which is one of my least favorite colors. 

My daughter finally got her $800 BJD...She is a combination 18th birthday & graduation present.

She is beautiful...now my third daughter has decided she wants one....this is an expensive hobby!

 

I also have a guilty pleasure to admit to....I think Waka Flocka Flame is sooooo sexy..

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those lips...that hair....EVERYTHING just works for me....my my my my MY!

Don't call it a comeback

Last night my mom, uncle, son (the 5 yr old) and I went to Cleveland to see Charlie Wilson in concert. Every since I was a little girl I have been a huge Gap Band/Uncle Charlie fan.  However due to circumstances in his life when I finally got old enough to see him in concert he wasn't doing any. I have seen Maze, Ojays, EWF in concert more than a few times but Uncle Charlie was eluding me. All I can say is BOY was it worth it!! When we walked in the State Theatre, my son saw the huge Charlie Wilson photo backdrop and said look mommy its UNCLE CHARLIE.  Everyone in listening range bust out laughing.  We of course took a picture in front of Uncle Charlie.

The opening act was local talent, Britni Elise..that girl can SANG!I had heard a song or two but I had no idea her voice was so powerful. No studio singing there....She did Satisfied, Hello and her rendition of At Your Best that she dedicated to the late Aaliyah.

Next came Ginuwine....oooh boy...I am a HUGE Ginuwine fan and I have to say he looked as good as he ever has. At this point my son began to get animated. These were songs he has heard over and over again. He started clapping and snapping his fingers. Ginuwine sang most of his hits.....dance moves was on point. He closed his show with Pony.

My son started getting a little antsy during the intermission...asking where was Uncle Charlie. I told him he is coming...soon.

Right then the lights dimmed, and out came the Charlie's Angel's, his dancers. He hit the stage...and OWNED it. I dont care how long he has been in business....or how cracked out he was...or how old he is...he gave a hell of a show. I would recommend any fan of his music young or old to see him in concert. I think he outdanced Ginuwine no joke....He was awesome...his voice sounds great...show was exciting without being overwhelming. And my little guy had the TIME of his life. He stood on my legs and grooved with Uncle Charlie. He danced, swayed and sang along to all the songs he knew. After show was over he told me that Uncle Charlie sang some songs that he didn't know the words to. I guess that means I have to play MORE Charlie Wilson....which is not a problem at all!!!

Cry No More

Listening to Tonex Cry No More...and I know that one day I will get there. This hurts a lot more than I thought it would. I mean he and I hadn't been in a relationship since I was 20ish. We didn't have a bad break up so I was never angry with him.  We have talked over the years through his letters to my darling Dee...but even that was hit or miss. I had no idea his death (and everything leading up to it) would be so devastating.

I have known him such a long time. I can remember those basement parties on Garland....I wanna say he is first guy I ever danced with...and I know he is first guy that ever tongue kissed me....wow..that was WAY back in 89-87ish...23 years ago. A lot of history between us...I hadnt even realized....

Although I hated what happened in his life, I was proud of the way he stayed in our daughters life...when the easy thing would have been to focus on himself. He was a boy that I loved when I was young..but became a man that I loved for sharing with me our beautiful daughter.

I understand that some friends both old and new were very close to him in his final hours. I hope that they were able to provide comfort for him. I know that he had made his peace with the Lord and is with Jesus now. He no longer wants for anything. I am not crying for him anymore.  Its for me and my baby that I am crying now.

Nearly Flawless huh...

Condemned killer Mark Brown filed a last-minute lawsuit challenging Ohio's execution process as flawed and capable of causing severe pain, then was put to death Thursday in a nearly flawless death penalty procedure.
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nearly flawless death penalty procedure is an oxymoron to me. Just the words flawless meaning perfect has no place next to death penalty procedure. Its so far from perfect....It is unconscionably cruel to appoint the hour of someone's death. To have to countdown the days and hours until someone you love breathes their last. I have had close family members murdered...I have had friends and acquaintances die as a result of street violence. I have had those I love die at the end of illness. And I can say that the last two weeks as I watched them countdown to my daughter's fathers execution date was óne of the most traumatic, stressful events I have ever experienced.

in 1981 my aunt was murdered by her husband...she was single mother of 1, on 2/21/1992 my cousin was murdered by her kids father...she was 22 years old married mom of three small children.....11/20/2005 my cousin was kidnapped & murdered by a stranger...she was single mom of two teen girls....and all three were wonderful women who loved their families and worked hard to provide for them. So I have had my innocent family members murdered. And I oppose the government committing murder in my name. Why create more innocent victims...why cause someone else's family the pain and loss that I suffer from. It does not ease my suffering one bit. Its barbaric, horrific and definitely not the sign of a civilized country. Its vengeance not justice.