Trying to find my smile

Another trying day….I am sure this will be par for the course for a while. Thanks to all my friends and family who have called or txted or imed.  I don’t know what I would do with out yall. Thanks for sitting through the random bursts of tears. I will get it together.

I spent yesterday thinking on my part in breakdown of our marriage. There are things I could have done  differently. Mistakes I made….circumstances where had I made another choice we might not be where we are today…..From talking with my folks one thing I would never do again is move into a house with ties to me. Living in this house that my mother owns and for all intents and purposes is mine made it MINE. Not ours, I can honestly say I never told him or even intimated that I held it over it his head….he felt like I did.

I am still angry…and it still hurts but I have cut off contact for me. I need time to smooth away the sharp edges ….a glass of pineapple rum and sunny d mango helps! Day by day..I get through. Now I am playing my theme song…Destiny’s Child Survivor

Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
but I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
but I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
now I'm wiser
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
but I'm smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
but I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without ya,
sold 9 million
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
(what)
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

thats what that is!

Gonna take this blog personal

I need a place to vent and deal with the mess my marriage and life have become. I need a place to put my thoughts so I can sort through and see what things are worth keeping…and which are worth tossing.

Every thing aint for every body and I know that folks may not want to hear or share this journey with me.

This shit is hard. I know him leaving was for the best…and truth is I am happy without him here. But 7 years doesn’t just disappear overnight. It hurts like hell that he moved out and on in ONE day. ONE DAY…..really? It confirms that he had already removed himself emotionally from this family.

I am in a place I do not want to be…I am so hurt and ANGRY. I want to scream, kick, cuss, fight someone…mostly him. We could have had so much together.  I know our time together was not wasted as we have three beautiful children together. But it just makes me so MAD that it means so little to him.

I am working on me…gonna be a better me….gonna do better and have better. I am tired of walking around stressed out. Tired of being angry all the time…tired of snapping at the kids, yelling about everything….what happened to my smile. I realized I hardly ever smile any more. And truly I have so much to smile about. I have 9 beautiful, intelligent, wonderful children. Their presence lights up my life. I have great family and friends who have rallied around me at this low point in my life. I have my health (mostly) and I have enough financial stability that I have all the things we need and a lot of things we want. I am truly blessed and should wake up with a smile on my face!I am thankful for all my blessings but I realize it doesn’t show on my face. So today I will put on a smile on my face and show the joy in my heart!