Cry No More

Listening to Tonex Cry No More...and I know that one day I will get there. This hurts a lot more than I thought it would. I mean he and I hadn't been in a relationship since I was 20ish. We didn't have a bad break up so I was never angry with him.  We have talked over the years through his letters to my darling Dee...but even that was hit or miss. I had no idea his death (and everything leading up to it) would be so devastating.

I have known him such a long time. I can remember those basement parties on Garland....I wanna say he is first guy I ever danced with...and I know he is first guy that ever tongue kissed me....wow..that was WAY back in 89-87ish...23 years ago. A lot of history between us...I hadnt even realized....

Although I hated what happened in his life, I was proud of the way he stayed in our daughters life...when the easy thing would have been to focus on himself. He was a boy that I loved when I was young..but became a man that I loved for sharing with me our beautiful daughter.

I understand that some friends both old and new were very close to him in his final hours. I hope that they were able to provide comfort for him. I know that he had made his peace with the Lord and is with Jesus now. He no longer wants for anything. I am not crying for him anymore.  Its for me and my baby that I am crying now.

Nearly Flawless huh...

Condemned killer Mark Brown filed a last-minute lawsuit challenging Ohio's execution process as flawed and capable of causing severe pain, then was put to death Thursday in a nearly flawless death penalty procedure.
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nearly flawless death penalty procedure is an oxymoron to me. Just the words flawless meaning perfect has no place next to death penalty procedure. Its so far from perfect....It is unconscionably cruel to appoint the hour of someone's death. To have to countdown the days and hours until someone you love breathes their last. I have had close family members murdered...I have had friends and acquaintances die as a result of street violence. I have had those I love die at the end of illness. And I can say that the last two weeks as I watched them countdown to my daughter's fathers execution date was óne of the most traumatic, stressful events I have ever experienced.

in 1981 my aunt was murdered by her husband...she was single mother of 1, on 2/21/1992 my cousin was murdered by her kids father...she was 22 years old married mom of three small children.....11/20/2005 my cousin was kidnapped & murdered by a stranger...she was single mom of two teen girls....and all three were wonderful women who loved their families and worked hard to provide for them. So I have had my innocent family members murdered. And I oppose the government committing murder in my name. Why create more innocent victims...why cause someone else's family the pain and loss that I suffer from. It does not ease my suffering one bit. Its barbaric, horrific and definitely not the sign of a civilized country. Its vengeance not justice.

So neglectful

of this blog...but no mas. I really need an outlet to process whats going on in my life. And I really want to keep it apart from my design blog. Not that much designing is going on. So many things going on in my life....Most prominent thing is the upcoming execution of my daughter Deonna's father, Mark Brown on 2/4/10. I have been in constant prayer for all affected by this situation. That love and mercy will touch the hearts of all people involved and heal the broken pieces in all of our lives.

After almost 5 years, Antonio Jackson, the man accused of murdering my cousin (and another woman) was scheduled to be sentenced after pleading guilty on Jan 29. Waste of a court date,as he waited until that morning (4 months after agreeing to plead guilty) to say he wanted to withdraw his plea. With the plea agreement, the death penalty would be removed as possible sentence. Now who knows...his death at hands of state will not make me hurt any less....will not bring back my cousin, will not ease my pain in the slightest. I cant speak for anyone else...thats how I feel.


Looks like my husband and I will be separating and its truly for the best. I have stopped trying to make something work when I am only one invested. I want my children to have the best and he is more concerned with his own needs and wants. As part of a married couple, you have to let go of the I and focus on the we. I am sorry it didnt work out. 7 years is a long time but its time to put away things that do not work and can not be fixed. And as long as he refuses to change, it can't be fixed.